SMS….or the death of friendship.

Five years ago, a childhood friend of mine, who had moved to Poona some years before, responded to a message I sent him by SMS. A pretty commonplace occurrence, you might say. But this one changed my world-view….or rather, opened my eyes to what we have become.

It was around 11.30 one night in February 2005; and I was relaxing with a drink in my den, which houses my little “home-theatre”. About to put-on a film, I thought how nice it would be had I a friend to watch it with. And wondered why people seemed so reluctant to take me up on my open invitation to come over whenever possible to my newly-renovated home.

Feeling wistful, and since it was a little late to telephone, I sent off this (admittedly somewhat maudlin!) message by SMS to a few friends, saying, “If you think of me sometimes, please call”.

I got three responses. The first was “wassup” from an ex-addict for whom I had “been there” after his return from rehab; the second from an actress, whom I had directed several times in play-readings, saying she was in Dubai and asking if I was ok….which I appreciated.

The third was from my friend in Poona. His SMS said: “Is it something important, urgent or necessary? If so, I shall call. Does it fit any of these criteria?”

He got the appropriate reply, in two, succinct, unprintable words….and responded long-windedly, which I read and ignored.

The next day he actually called, belligerent and self-righteous, asking, “What was all that about, at 11.30 last night?” To which I said, if he hadnt understood why I had sent the message in the first place, maybe he was unable to and shouldn’t bother too much about it.

We have met only once since then, briefly, while waiting to enter a theatre. We said hello….and moved on. I then began receiving a spate of SMS from him, extolling the virtues of friendship and how old friends were gold. I ultimately responded, saying it would help if they could talk instead of text! To which I received another LONG message, saying he would call when he could.

He didn’t.

A year or so later, I learnt he had been in hospital with a cardiac condition; and called him immediately. We promised we would keep in touch.

Taking a page from his book, I sent him the occasional SMS on matters of common interest….and finally called him, two nights ago. He was busy and said he would call later.

The next day I got an SMS saying it was nice to hear from me and he was sorry he couldn’t take my call; and he was free after 3 pm.

I asked myself what I should do. Should I call again at his convenience, because I felt like talking to him? Or should I, on a matter of principle, say to myself “why cant HE return my call” and leave it at that? The jury is still out....

It has now, sadly, become “acceptable” for people not to return calls unless it matters to them; so you have to call, repeatedly, if you need something from them. It isn’t good manners; one might even call it arrogant and callous….nevertheless, it has become “acceptable”. Never make a call, never take a call, never return a call….unless YOU need to.

But among friends? Is this the new norm? Is it now wrong to just pick-up the phone and call to say hello….and does this make one a needy nuisance?

Another friend, a lady of society who is well-known for her expertise on etiquette, said one should first send an SMS to the person before calling the mobile, asking if it was convenient for them to accept a call. I said I preferred calling a landline and leaving a message….even though they may never call back.

The question is: why so much effort to simply TALK? On the one hand, people are ever-ready to be “accessible” at all times, via all the gadgets at their disposal, so as not to miss-out on a single “opportunity”. On the other, there is great reluctance to make contact on a purely personal level. Why this dichotomy, this insecurity, this inability to be human? Nobody can be THAT busy!!

My Poona friend is really, actually, a nice guy. Like him, I know many who are basically decent people but are stricken with the same modern malaise.

SMS, e-mail and now Facebook, Twitter and others of their ilk allow contact with a buffer; a safety-net that helps keep vulnerabilities, smoke-screens and egos intact.

But friendship? That’s another story.